it’s a beautiful day

just be outside today was a blast, it was so beautiful even the frost this morning at 5am….my daughter allie goes to beauty school, and today was family day, and you could bring family members in and do their hair……and” my daughter”(i hear PACO’S MOTHER EVERY TIME I DAY THAT). GAVE ME A GREAT HAIRCUT….i went and voted and not saying for who, does it really fucking matter….i only vote and pay taxes so i can complain…..and now i am home just chillin a bit…..i got a tat yesterday, and this one hurts a bit, it didn’t hurt when i was having it done………i love to get tattooed, i find it kind of relaxing in a strange sort of way…..and having the personality that i have, i need to date a tattoo artist for a while..OMG….did i say that….bad girl……..and did i mention i only date young guys………nobody reads this stuff right………good if you did…….

i have so many boxes to move and i just don’t feel like moving right now….is that ok to say that i just want to relax……….just chill…..and be still…………and be….maybe i will go and take some photo’s, outside, and then come in and chill………..why is it if i am not doing something, i’m like i am wasting time and should be doing 10 other things that i want to get done….and now i know it is ok to rest, it is ok to retreat, regroup and move on…….

i keep thinking i need a blog for this and one for that, but i really only need one……cuz not only i am an artist, but my life is art in the making, and no matter what i do it comes back to art in some form or another….but here is one of my dilemmas……I CAN DO SO MANY THINGS, BUT NONE OF THEM GENERATE ANY INCOME………(well, i cold think of a few but, we won’t go there)

we met on the web

today i gave myself an early birthday present…..i got a spider web tat on my left shoulder, i love it…..i didn’t do all that much art today, i painted a canvas bag that i am going to use to carry all the stuff, i require when i leave the house……it;s like having freakin’ babies again……..any way it has my basic black, red and white, and i just had to paint a big red anarchy A on the back………..i can’t make the bag all at once and it needs to develop on it’s own……

about my tat, i only have tats on my body that mean a great deal to me…………
this is a bittersweet one, it’s a thank you to someone who gave me back myself,and just let be, i was free to be just who i was….i was never so at peace with myself til i was with you……..the relationship was so real,it was sureal, and one of us couldn’t handle it and whimped out………….

i know i love this blog so much,cuz it’s so dark, and i like the darkness

HAPPY HOLLOW’EVE……………..

let the darkness begin(organ music in the background)…..or as those little buggers…………….TREAT OR TREAT………so day so far only had one group of about 12 come, and one kid get pissy when i said one piece only……bratski, there is a recession on……..and every year i run out of candy……..my 6 o’clock they’ll be getting granola bars and bags of popcorn……..but i am taking a picture of every kid that comes to my door……..i just love some of the costumes, especially on the little ones………..i hear more coming………..i have things i have to do today and in a little while i am going to take a nap…….and just leave a bowl of candy outside……and i did, and they took every last piece of candy,,,,,,,,,,,,,even the granola and health bars that i put out when i ran out of candy, and i know a couple of times, some mean kid (the bernie madoff) kind took all the candy………

i got no art work done to today……none, i hate those days,………friday i had to go and get my stitches removed……fine…..when i went to the ER, last week they gave me stitches, and antibio’s which i did not take cuz i don’t take unless i need them, so i tell the doc, can you just check my lungs, i have been coughing a lot, and he tells me they sound distance, like what does that mean, there in another state…………so guess what i am taking now……………you guessed it…………..and they make feel not right i swear……..so in the spirit of halloween i was a zombie yesterday for real………………

fuckyou shankofamerica.com

FIRST LET ME BEGIN BY SAYING………….KILL THE BANKERS……i don’t know if i need to say move or that is enough……………they whack you fees, when they should be paying me for borrowing money from me  and part owner of our bank…….the bank the the united states government we the people bailed you out from……………remember that……..mr bank……..you fucking blowhard……………..they should have let all of the financial institutes collaspe…………you fucked up, you failed, next….that is what true capitalism is, cuz mr banks, you are the socialist…….you took the money…………..you begged for the money……..and guess what you should get a big bag of coal, for christmas, although that is going up in value……so how a bout a big bag of SHIT  for you…………

it’s just my bitch page

if you haven’t figured it out yes this blog is my bitch rag……the place i go to vent …..so that no one hears me scream in cyberspace……………….right…………nobody sees this stuff………….i mean really it is only the internet………………….i have another blog too, i just started it …………….rawedgestudio.blogspot.com 

it is about my adventures as an artist and get myself out there and network and sell art, and myself, (not that way silly)………..that’s the good news………….yeah for good news……….

now i am waiting for my friend mike the mechanic, wasn’t that a group once????? anyway he said he be here in an hour…..i guess we are all on different clocks………..

my leg feels a lot better, i am letting it air out now, the bandage fell off last night when i was sleeping…………….it looks real PUNK…………….and it’s still swollen……………

nic, i am sorry for being so cranky yesterday, i was hurtin, and life really sometimes sucks big time…………..it will get better………………and then it gets worse again life is a vicious cycle…………………………

HELP, HELP, HELP, or just some advice, and infromation please

if there is anybody alive out there, that actually reads this stuff i write…….and can help me out here let me know……what i want to do is set up a website, i have one that i have not used, but i don’t like it……so if anyone knows of a site that they use that is either free or inexpensive, please let me know……i would like to start a home-web based business, and would like any info on how to do it i am starting from nothing so any info you can pass on would be great……….and i would like to start another blog that is just about my art……my business will be my art and my artistic talents. I have big plans, and lots of ideas, but i just need that first bite of the elephant and then i can eat it one bite at a time…i have decided that at this point in my life when i have nothing to lose anymore, i might as well just FUCKING go for it…………..now is not too late, and now seems like the perfect time…..i just would like a little guidance, some

put a period at the end of the sentence and move on

or in layman terms be careful waht you ask for, asking is the same as wishing and praying…………….so i asked for a sign and you gave it to me loud and clear…..i heard ya………..it’s all good, be well, and happy wherever you are………….

one door closes and another one opens………but my life is like the let’s make a deal show and i always pick the wrong fucking curtain…………..so for right now i am going to forget about men……….cuz i try not to believe this……but they are all the same……and think the same…..and it gets old…………

and i found some good info today to get me started to get me back in a field doing art, and i am going to take full advantage of it….and get this business off the ground….i have to get my ass into a different mode and just fucking do it already…………the time has come…..your never told old…..ever til the last breathe then i will be old….and as a young blues singer once said “when you ain’t got nothin, you got nothin to lose”……….so stop, breathe………………move on………hold head as high as you can…………..smile……….and do whatever you  have to do to get what you want………………………..

so this is october catch up

ok, am i fired up,,,,,,,,,,,,,,no………just bored…………..bored………bored…….i need to start putting my plan in action….tomorrow i have to go to workforce at unemployment…..and i want to see, if there is any program or grant money that they can help me get to what i want to do…….if i have to work for the next 30 years and never get to retire, i want to be doing something that i enjoy……and i would really love to teach art workshops to young children and teenagers……i have plans in my head and written down on paper……the major problem don’t have a business head, and i have a bad track record with financial responsablities……………it’s just not my thing……so i need to write down a better plan to present to however i need to get money from…………….and i want to be able to reach out to all the arts, music, reading, writing, and have children explore their natural talents…..before some fucker crushes their spirit………..so hopefully tomorrow i will know more and be able to reach out to whoever i need to…….so if anyone out there wants to start a business working with children and the arts…let me know……my head is fill with ideas…………….and since i know sometime in the near future not sure when, but someday, i need a new place to live and i was thinking of looking in renting commerial/residentail space……so i can have a place to live and work …….and don’t have to travel to get their……i can always be home and always ready to work…….it’s a win-win………

now i have to discuss music and the last 3 ‘ACTS’ I SAW……first let me tell you, that my music tastes ranges from garage bands to opera………………and everything in between, if it moves me it moves me, dosen’t matter the genre…..i even like a few country songs……..ok……..now i am not saying that i might not be just a little jaded………..cuz ………….i am…….but let me tell you, i was so uninspired by U2 and the boss…………and let me tell you in the past they were some of the best shows that i have seen……..u2, first please knock off the running joke with the rolling stones, guys please, both of you it is time to call a truce……cuz quite honestly i don’t give a fuck how big your stage is, i came to see you not the stage……and some people should just not play stadiums, that’s all i am saying…………and guess what folks………it’s ALL SHOW BUSINESS……………it is an act………..it’sonly rock and roll but i like it………….and bruce………….the show that closed giant stadium, babe, have to tell ya………….not one of your best…………..now it meet be me……but i heard a few people that saw u2 say they wanted their money back……all i can say is i’ve seen you better too………….stop playing these fucking MCstadium’s….you look like ants, and if i wanted to see ya all on video, i could stay home in my pj’s and watch ya all for almost free(remember this is america) on the net……and see better too………….i love the music…….i never thought i say this……….tone down the fucking stage………….and do what you do………….make music………..

so who does that leave me with, and who do i really want……

first, i have to say that i have been good and true to myself……………..i would never go out with a married man, i have more respect for your wife, whoever she is………..you want to flirt, i’ll flirt back when i am bored and have nothing better to do…………the married to the job guy, i admire you work ethic, but babe, lighten up, and have some fun……………..and then who is left, the one that broke my heart the day i met him………………..and the one that i think about, and can’t get out of my mind……….the one i want to be with, really be with, and i don’t even know if your dead or alive………………omg deja vu, i have been here before……………..that just blew my mind………….really…………wow………..is that why i keep dreaming of you david………….wow…..but it’s not about you…………..i knew your dead………..do i have to come and ring your doorbell and ask if you can come out and play…………………cuz i want you………….

ok so i can blog

ok so today was just another dull day in my life…..let’s see what i did…….got up…..feet hit the floor…..drove allie to school <she is too good for the bus> no not really some little big fat shit spit on her last year…..and know she does not what to take the bus anymore……i came home and cleaned, or should i say straightened up….i was off from work today……took some photo’s……searched for photos on flickr…….hooked up a printer……put pages in some books that i use for inspiration…..put off straightening out my studio……i will be moving within the next year…..so i am trying to get my studio in order and sell stuff that i am not going to use……..drove nicole to get her car inspected and it failed inspection went to my local service station and we are going to get it fixed tomorrow, the parking brake is not working……came home order in chinese and then tried to get my blog page running on another site, gave up and found this one.  now i am relaxing and watching tv and i love tv and i admit it……..so here goes my first blog…..i hope i can find some like friends

presidental debate

did anyone else notice how rude mccain was last night to our next president…..when the debate was over and every one was shaking hand (that one) went over to shake father time’s hand and he pushed obama off to his wife then walked away and never shook his hand……how rude talk about lack of character…..and can someone please put a muzzle on sarah bulldog with lipstick…….isn’t that what they do with bad dogs that don’t stop barking.

added flickr

i added my flickr site so you can see some of my older works of art…..i will be adding new pics soon…..i am trying to find a way to use the photo album on this site, but no luck so far……i need rest and some patience and i can figure it out…..

yeah it’s saturday

ok so what have i been up to……well yesterday i was off and i went to my favorite thrift stores……and got so really great stuff (pictures will follow as soon as i figure out how to use the album on this website)…now back to now……i have been trying to acquire old suitcases and yesterday i got 3 of them……so i put my art stuff in them so it will make moving easy and they make great storage as i can fill them up with tons of stuff and they don’t get real heavy.

i also got  some really great frames…..i belong to this art group that still does not get 3-d art and some of the shows we get into have frame nazi’s so if they wants frames, oh baby frames they’ll get……that’s the beauty of working with mixed mediums……..i can work with anything……but the frames are great…….i got a beautiful child craft toy box in excellent condition for only $10.00……i am going to put it at the foot of by bed and use it to store sweaters and house pants in…….i good some many good things yesterday, it was the kind of day that makes of for all the bad days treasure hunting when nothing stikes your fancy…..

i got at 5 this middle of the night and went to collingwood our local flea market to sell stuff, it was the worst sale day i ever had there, but my good friend maggie was there and i always like to be with her she is just one really cool lady, and she not even an artist………and a got a lot of rusty pieces of metal from the ground i never leave that place without at least one bag of stuff i found on the floor the man next to me was evening looking for me and he found me some great glass to use in mosaics , and while he was looking he found a very neat crystal….he was happy……he was a nice old man and he had some pretty cool items……he had a pair of ice skates from the 1800′s…….but there was nothing at the flea market that knocked my socks off……….so that was my exciting day…….i know you are all so jealous right now……my reality show is going to start anytime now…….

monday morning

here are some pictures of my great finds weekend, this was part of friday’s haul…….it was a good day you know when you go thrifting some days are good and some days not so good…..i so don’t live in the house that i live in know that i am buying decorations for the next home and it will be home not “house”…..when ever you gut says to you “remember what you ask for” REMEMBER…….

thrift store finds

tuesday morning

so last we left our herione she was blogging, then suddenly the phone ring……and off to work she went…..so now i’m back….last night i was in the studio quess what i was doing cleaning the messy turned upside down

messy messy messy

hear me scream

so does anyon have any hints what to do……………….there is a big work table underneath all that stuff……..stuff is one of the perils of being a mixed media artist……..does anyone need national geographic magazines……ok give me 3 weeks and i will show you a neat studio that is going to be moved……..boo hoo…

the saga of the studio

so when we last left our herione she was going to Dr. khan office’s …….and when she returned after a semi normal day she came home and rearranged yet another small corner of her studio……slowly but shirely she will get it done…….how do you eat an elephant?………………duh……………give up…………..one bite at a time……so i need some nice pretty sturdy boxes to be sent my way…………..and dear universe still on the lookout for any type of vintage retro luggage………………….ok now i have to go and do some real stuff like clean……..hate it……………………heard somewhere that if makes you ugly…………….

getting there slowly

off for the next 8 days

i’m off for the next 8 days not by my choice and not what i want…and without pay…so my car is packed and i will get up at 5 am and go to collingwoood and sale some stuff…….i can constantly collecting and aquiring things……..so i have a lot of stuff that i can do without and try to earn some extra cash right……i hope tomorrow is a good sale day as i am so behind the 8 ball if i couldn’t laugh……the tears would never stop…..but you know what it will all be all right and i will be in the place that i am suposed to be in…….life always has a way of working out that way……but only if you believe it will…….and it will……..that is the law of nature…….believe and you shall see…….

so this weekend is homecoming week for my kids…….it has been a fun filled week for them…..i am happy that they are having a good time and involved in school activites …..their great kids……

hope i have time to search for vintage-retro luggage so work on cleaning out my studio this week…….i need to go find them at 2 of my favorite thrift stores……cos i got them on the real cheepo there……..it took me awhile to find thrift stores out here in the swaps of nj…….i really don’t like this state…….but i am here for now………i don’t know where i will be next year, but somewhere near the beach would be nice…..oh, oh excuse me i meant “the shore”……..boy do i miss robert moses beach…….hope one of the days that i am off is nice and sunny so i can go to the beach and look for found objects, and take pictures……i love the beach any time of the year…….i am waiting to watch jon steward and steve colbert……..i love them…….they are truly two very funny guys……..

love these letters

collingwood flea market

got up in the middle of the night 5am, i guess to some people that’s just morning…….and i sold “fabrika” fabulous fun finds”…..i like going there on friday…….and i was so good i did not buy a thing……and i stood firm in my prices……..and i made almost a $100 bucks and got rid of stuff…….but of course i did not come home empty handed……i got a medium size metal file box for free (don’T ya  just love free)  and of course my rusty treasures from the floor…..i was thinking i might need to upgrade my tenus shot……..

and the real good thing about today is i meet a guy that i excatly liked and would definetly date him, he hung around for a long time and chatted up with me……and he collects car things, i will try to find stuff about cars…….would like to get to know you better…..yes i will………

sunday blues

is anybyody else alive at there……..it is said that to really be alive one must feel pain…..that deep sorrowful pain……and the WANTING to know is there anybody else that really cares…….are we truly alone ..or are we connected by one…..each just one apart form each other and that  we share are pains and sorrows one word at a time…..one sentence at a time….one conversation at a time…….we can’t stay hidden in ourselves…..and we need to get out and laugh……get among the people…….the real people that are out there everyday just doing and being what they are…………watching band of brothers for the umpteenth time ( i have the dvr too)…and thank you tom hanks ……..and for all the brothers and sisters in arms then and now you are truly the heroes……………thank you ……to my wwll men and women thank you and i hope that you are all not

pumpkin pickin

turning in your graves from the last eight years………

sometimes you just gotta scream

old time rock n roll

most days start off just like every other day…….but somewhere in between you never know what is going to happen……it can always be a day of firsts……you would think as the more life you live, but here is the good news and the bad news, there are always days of firsts some good some not so good……and i had a not so good one today……but guess what i am still here…i did what i had to do……let the tears out……took deep breathes…..pulled on the good old boot straps one more time….and got and resolved again to make it better……..a day is just a day……and all good will come…..

or once again i heard today the world is going to end on december 21st 2012 ……..so we all have to do the best we can…..because that is all we can do……..

tonight is the art group that i joined last month……..i’ll tell all tomorrow

artist’s block

yesterday a friend was over and she was iendtelling me that she is in a slump that she was not inspired by anything and was tried of the work that she was doing…….the first thing i usually tell someone that is that you have to create from you soul and you have to create for you……not the critics and certainly not the critics in your head…..so here are some things that i do to get juices flowing when i feel inspired……

clip magazines……clean my studio…..read….go for walks….collect items on said walks…..surf the net……go window shopping…..take camera and a bag for collecting nature’s treaure…….listen to music……dance……sing at the top of my lungs……go to thrift shops and explore for interesting items…….what do you do……

and if their is anyone out there that actually read this blog please let me know…..make some kind of comment and can you tell me who to link up to other bloggers…

don

the caption here should read ” don’t worry the cars kill all the deers any way……stop all this building and give the animals a place to live …….who are the real beasts…

i remember when i was a kid…..oh i mean just littler, i am still a kid…….mrs lady bird , lydon’s wife…..set forth to clean up this country……the indian with the tear, who really turned out to be some italian guy…..anyway…..walking on the road i have to say that many of you failed the test……there is more trash then there needs to be…..and i also remember something about a little idea called earth day……so we have known about the enjoyments problems for a long time …..they are nothing new…..no one listened to iggy……

and someone tell sarah that the emperors new clothes are not going to help……still don’t like you…..and i don’t want you…..i want you to take a dog sled back to where you came from and stay there and someone please keep an eye on her…….list we be calling her her eva………

happy birthday mom

merry christmas

mom i hope you are at peace…..everyone deserves that……i miss you every day and think about you all the time……the thing about parents is you never know how much you love and need them untill their gone……rest in peace…….love you too much…..you took a piece of my heart with you……take care of my dad and sister…..i know you are……

pay it forward

always pay if forward, you never know when it is going to come back to you…..yesterday the most incredible thing happened to me, as was at collingwood flea market selling stuff…..and this women came over and bought some clothing from me and she handed me what i thought was $40.00 and i went to gave her change and she was walking away…..and she said to me no you keep it it’s ok….i’ve been there…..i told her that i could not accept it and she just kept walking saying yes i could and reassuring me that it was all ok…….when i got back to my table i looked at the money in my hand and it was 5 $20.00 bills………i was in tears……i couldn’t believe it……so i thank you mystery lady with all my heart and i will pay it forward……

and then after being off for a week i went to work today and the other girl that i work with who is going to be out next week and i am taking over her hours and she left me a gift certificate for dunkin donuts…..

it is a rainy dreary day and i am going to spend the rest of the day snuggled on my couch like a big hot potato and watch tv and clip magazines and just chill……..i had pictures but i somehow misplaced them but as soon as i find them i will post them……..

a visit to long island

so i went to visit my brother yesterday, and stayed over……i got lot’s of new art supplies from my brother…….new cool pencils and pastels…….and great after halloween rub on’s and stickers……..i still love stickers……i used to live in long island and i used to miss it i don’t miss it anymore……but i do love robert moses beach……i love the beach…..this week i am going to clean up some more of my studio and do some work……i have a while to get all the stuff out of the basement……i want to go through all my books and find the books i want to sell……and sell them……i might sell some on amazon, have to check out the prices……and then get some mailers…….before i sell any book at collingwood i will check it out on amazon first…..coz i could probably get more money for them there……and we have to save ……..god help me….please…….i like the idea of charlotte…….

learning ever day

i have been playing with flickr and i am learning so much about the photos making them look better,  ………who know you could do all those wonderful things can be done to a photo…it’s so great…..know if i could only get a handle on this blog my world would be perfect

thank god it’s friday/rummage sale

so today my fellow artists……i went to a church rummage sale……i got there and the people that are crazier then me were already there……..they must have camped out all night…..next time in the spring i am going to be on that door waiting with that large plactic striped bag you can get at the $1.00 store for guess who much $1  (isn’t it a hoot when people are in the dollar stores and they ask how much”…..i got some real cool things which i will post to flickr as soon as my camera battery finishes charging………i got some great old christmas balls……..for real cheap….i got 3 vintage aprons one is so beautiful it is made of lace, and would like to use as a curtin…….i got a great bunch of children’s books i love to get children’s book i use some of the pages as back grounds and papers in my work and sometimes the illustrations…….someof them are so cools/…….i got vintage lace…..and there was this really cool white suitcase like box and some nice lady had it ………and the reall good thing is she wanted the ice skates that were in the case and i wanted the case…..so we both got what we wanted…… i like when people go oh, but it’s old……give me all your old stuff baby…….i got a roll of leather/pleather trim…….a doll that says something about daughters, and i have 2 other pieces by the same woman……2 tree card holders, so i can display some of my smaller work…..a big picture book of marilyn…..and a book for my sister about gone with the wind……she’s likes gone with the wind…….a white table cloth with lace trim…..and some smaller xmas items…..i am sure i left something out….and i spent less then $20.00…….and if i was able to i would go to the bag sale tomorrow 2 bags for 5 coz i didn’t even look at the clothes….but i have to work in the morning……and i don’t think they allow time off for rummage sales……..it was fun…..don’t ya just love to rummagge

tuesday tuesday

what can i say……i want to say that life pretty much sucks…….but you know what i don’t want to go down that road……and there are always others worse off then me……and i just have to get out and do more…..i got to get more together and have more energy…….i got to walk i have the time, i just need to get off my fat ass and get up and move…..i need to find another job and look into where i am going to live when i have to leave here…..and i need to find other ways other then a part time job, a little enmployment and selling everything i ever owned for less then i paid for it…..i don’t know what else to do….send me some answers, some signs, some open doors, windows, just lead me to where i am supposed to be……..

creative adventure today

yesterday or one day this week i had a brain storm (trouble looming ahead) i decided to do some work in a glue book that i have ……it’s another book about shoes…..what can i say i am a shoe whore…..i also nicked named glue books “cheaP art”……all you need is some kind of book LOVE SPIRAL BOOKS MORE  and more every day…….it was a book i had going for a couple of years….back to cheap art….book, magazine(s), glue sticks,found papers and your ideas and imagination….then i have to set a rule here…..it has to be paper and it has to be glued…….the shoe book is huge and i am not nearly started…….silly me used a sketch book the kind you can  get at barnes and noble…..and glued back grounds to every page……let’s just say the book will never close again….as a matter of fact i t remain permanently open,  but we can change the page……oh and it ways a ton…….so i don’t know if i should finish it …..just add more….i love to add more and i still have a couple of pages that have no backgrounds……now mind you my shoes have a mind of their own and they say all kinds of politically incorrect things all the time……there just my thoughts….that’s all, and do shoes have stories to tell and things to say…………or i can work in the glue paper doll book…….or as i like to call it crazy girl book……….i can’t work in my studio right now because it is quite messy……and i have to stay in the creative mode coz i feel like making stuff…..so i guess i am making little big book studies……i’ll post pics tomorrow……..

sad day

it is really a sad and the heavens are even crying today,  my ex lost his /our nephew today…..another gone to the dis-ease of addiction…….the drugs are the killer…….and i mean drugs the hard core stuff…..the stuff that i thought disappeared so long ago…..comes back to haunt……this is the 3rd young person i have heard of this year  overdosing on drugs……and 2 i knew personally…..the more the world changes the more the world stays the same……my hearts go out to you……no parent should ever have this nightmare upon them…..what do you say…..there are no words……now in my heart, my heart is with you…..heart to heart…..god keep you going and keep you sane…….i know you need to whatever you need to do know…..but heal………….please heal…………….and don’t blame yourself……..it’s the fucking dis-ease………..

what i have been doing to keep the creative juices flowing

what have i been doing to keep the creative juices flowing in these dark times……man, a wise woman told me a long time ago “that when you think you have it bad, don’t look up, look down, because there is always someone worse off than you”   words i live by…………..

but anyway…  is a fucking mess and it has to be eaten like an elephant one bite at a time….so i have been in my way too little corner of the couch……and i have been making a glue book…….now i didn’t know such a best existed GLUE BOOK i mean…….coz i already had about 35 of them and i just thought it was ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE WEIRD THINGS I DO…….and no i find out that not only is there a name for it, but oh my god, other people do it too……i am never as alone as i sometimes think i am…….there are kindred spirits out there………

so i had this one that i had started a while back it was going to be a shoe book…..i am a shoe whore, i am shoe whore book……i have shoes that i bought just to pet……..shoes show up in my art…..

so i love magazines (i”ll tell you that story another time) and from my collection of pulled pages, i glued a page to use as a background to what amount to know every page in the book (it was only one of those big unlined black journal/sketchbook that you can get in one of those big chain book stores)……..so now said book is referred to as the 50 pound book………the book is at one point never going to close and be permanently open………i will have to get it it’s own stand……..so i have been telling shoe stories lately……..and of cause you now i have MY RULES and only because i have to rein myself in or i spend more time looking for stuff, than making stuff

THE RULES

• magazine backgrounds
• can only use papers that are in the immediate area
• can only use glue-sticks-or elmer-like
• only pens, pencils, makers, and other forms of getting marks on the page have to come from green plastic pencil holder

and that’s pretty much the RULES…….i had rules but i have to make some self imposed rules only i need to follow from time to time, because it makes it easier for me……..must be a coping mechanism for the undiagnosed ADD that i have……..

and i started making backgrounds in another book, this time one with spirals  gotta love the spirals…….but i have not thought on what i want it to be about yet……..

women does not live by shoes alone

playing around with flickr

another new adventure land for me……i love that i can look at others photos, they can look at mine…..and we can communicate……if anybody actually reads my blog ccan you tell me how you link you your blog to other blogs and visa versa…….thanks flickr……i really like all that you bring to my living room…….

birthdays

HAPPY BIRTHDAY louis and darleen….my 2 godchildren………and darleen didn’t call first again……i see a few people have stopped by and read my blog……can any of you tell me how to link my blog to others and they link to me……………….pretty please………

i have been in lay back mood, you know the one that they what you to believe is SADD…….it’s not a disease people, it’s called winter……….so i have been hanging low and i have a million things to  do……if any of my artist’s friends are reading this and you live near me ….let me know because i am cleaning out my studio and need to thin out……..i have a lot of fabric also……..the majority of it is high quality cotton fabrics…….some vintage……mostly cotton and some decorater fabrics and some clothing fabric……..i will be more than happy to give some away as there is so much and i need to purge it…….

i don’t have much to say today……..so i won’t……coz there will be rant days for sure…

stuff and there is so much more

thanksgiving

ok today i am going to remember that no matter how bad a space i think i am in their are others that have it worse that i do………and that i have lot to be grateful and thankful for……..one can always find gold in the dirt……..i am going to go and write my thanksgiving list of all that i am grateful for……i do it every thanksgiving and a few times doing the year……..when i start to forget………

black friday

somebody please tell me what the fuck is wrong with the world that people get up at 4 in the morning to go shopping for the same crap that has been in the stores all year and will remain there for the rest of the year….and all time to come……..this country needs to go on a diet of stuff consuming and use what you have……..there is nothing out there that is going to make you happy that you have to buy at 4 in the morning……i think it is a shame……and the people that work retail get all there holidays cut out, because some idiot needs a big screen tv…….the tv is not going to make you happier or better , if you are not happy already……..and to make things better for yourself might mean saving the money for the tv , on something you really need…….like um maybe your future…….try giving to charity….did any of you crazy people ever once get up at 4 and give to charity, or donate your time to someone who really needed it……..i feel that there are too many empty souls in this country, who believe the lies that corporate america want you to believe……have you no faith in yourself……..when 3 car executives show up at congress in 3 separate private lear jets and beg for money from the government something is wrong…..congress asked them to raise their hands if they were willing to leave their jets and take a commerical flight home……..did any of you see the hands…….and please tell me why the people that raped and pillared this county wall st, ya know the money makers, the money changers, you read about them in the bible……..why they get bailed out (re:socialism for the rich) and millions are losing their homes , because of their fucking greed…….they should be the men that they think they are return the money and all the quillions in bonuses that they took and maybe the playing fl

thrift shopping

basket i bought today

it is amazing how a 20 dollar bill and 2 thrift stores can fill a person’s soul…….the thrill of the search of what you don’t even know you want…….and even better when you find the exact thing you were looking for…….and all the surprises in between…….i got a bunch of stuff today and my 2 fave finds were wilma the wine opener(memory of childhood) priceless at a quarter……and a childrens book that is like a flip book that i can’t want to use……i got a beautiful wool skirt made in italy……and some cool items to use in my art work………right now i am looking for vintage or not cases and suitcases……and cheesy christmas……stuff……but i will buy anything that strikes my fancy………i love to thrift shop and yard sales…..but i have not been to too many good yard sales lately…….i did go to a great rummage sale a few weeks ago…….it’s like i hate to shop in “normal stores” because they have the same boring shit at crazy prices…..the only time i buy stuff in “real stores” is if it is 75% or more off…….i wish my children felt the same……..i am up now because i am having the hot flashes……along with insomnia…….and god please tell me who is in charge of tv programming, because they need to be shot……..ok well i will rant on some more some other time…….i love to rant

death visits

yesterday i heard that a dear friend that i had not heard from in a long time passed away about a year ago…….she was a kind and lovely lady……who helped me through some real rough spots in my life………when i had to move once she let me store all the things that i was not going to use in her basement…….the funny thing is even though i did not hear from her for a long time….i knew she passed……

and a woman that i have known all my life, who was like family to me passed away this week, she lived on the same block that i grow up on and was my sister maureen’s friend, in fact they married brothers…….she could sometimes be a difficult person….but she was real……when my sister was dying…my sister told her she was a bitch….if you know the situation you would think it was funny…because we all did………i don’t know what to say except that we are all in god’s hands, no matter who you god is…….he is the one that let’s you know when time is up……

the hurt runs deep

sometimes people should just mind their business and stuck to taking care of their own lives…….sometimes i should just stay away from the toxic people that i allow in my life and i allow to hurt me……most people say i am a very forgiving person, too forgiving at times……but there comes a time when you cannot forgive anymore and you just have to wish people well and move on…..and keep the good memories of them …….and when it comes to them pretend that you are dead………yesterday i allowed someone to gave me their rant about me and what they thought and felt about me……and boy i could not have be judged and ripped apart more then if i stood in front of the supreme court…….and i have to say a relationship that i loved and cherished is over and it will never be the same……the family that i thought loved me unconditionally, i realized came with a ton of conditions, gossip, talking about me, lying to make themselves and their point look better……people that i have loved all my life and would have died for killed something  inside me yesterday…….it is called betrayal……and now i understand what  my brother was saying all along….i never understood, but yesterday i did……i realized everybody has a book and they do keep track, and i wish i could give everything back that everyone of them has done for me….because nothing came freely and nothing came from the heart……..i don’t want to get into on how i have overcome a lot of struggles, made wrong decisions, made bad choices, well because i am the only one that has……just me i am the only fuck in this world…i am a terrible person….i am useless….people have said i have taken advantage of them……honey child no one can take advantage of anyone unless you allow them too.  and as i have said many times…you can always say no…….and now i wish they did…….i want to be dead to all of you…….i want you to continue your wonderful lives, in your pristine glass houses and be well and have everything you need, be happy and be at peace with yourselves…….and this is the part that i realized yesterday ……..that no matter who down and out , or how “needy” i may be, or what obstacle i have to overcome and no matter what i have to do or have done to live and get by……..i am happy, my soul is a happy soul……deep down in that scared place that can only be yours and yours alone i am happy……..and i surrounded by so many miserable, unhappy people……..that just don’t understand joy……..or not worrying about every fucking little thing …….because i know in my heart and in my soul, it will all be alright, it all has a way of working itself out……and i guess if i am not a worry wart…..i’ll be fucked……….i just want you to know and you know who your are that you will never speak to me again, or hurt me again like you did yesterday…….i want nothing from you, i realized yesterday you really have nothing to give……because everything is measured to you…. i let you rant, because i know you are a sick person, and you truly need to be on medication……trust me the bipolor gets worse as you approach your 40′s …..i know been, there and done that and still deal with everyday of my life……..i know my god will help me , he always has, i don’t have a phony god, that someone else made up for me, i didn’t just go to church so my son could be confirmed……..my god id with 24/7 and has been since i was a child……..i need to get out of new jersey you all want to know a big mistake i made, moving out here to be closer to you all………i thought it would be a good thing for me and it turns out it was one of the worst things i could have done………you can all continue to judge me, talk about me, talk to each other about what you all have done for me……i gave up with you all…….and someday i will come to a place where i just stop caring about what you all think………i hope sometime in my lifetime that i get to look out of the glass house……and you could see what i see……i sorry if i have disappointed any of you and have not lived up to any of your expections of what i should be……..but i would allow any of you to hurt me any more or judge me anymore……..you are not dead to me but i am dead to you………i don’t care if you ever get me…..but their is not a one of you that would have survived a week in the shoes that i have walked in……..i wish the only problem that i had this week was that i had to let my cleaning girl go……..but this week and for the next 3 weeks i will worry about the results of my 16 year old daughter’s biopsy…….another unexpected thing that happened to me…….and and i just want to let you all know that i am the only one facing foreclosure, the other 10 million Americans are all lying…….i am the only one who made bad money mistakes……..i am the ultimate royal fuck up and i thank you all for letting me know and not for one minute ever forgetting just what i am……..i think you my family, my closest and dearest relatives the people that i thought i could count on the most……you don’t have to worry about me anymore, you all killed me a long time ag0….GOD LET ME WALK IN YOUR GRACE, AND LET ME TO WHERE I NEED TO BE, YOU ALWAYS HAVE AND HAVE NEVER LET ME DOWN, PLEASE JUST ONE REQUEST GET ME OUT OF THIS STATE AND LET ME LIVE IN PEACE AND QUIET…….SOMEWHERE AWAY FROM HERE……….and one more thing it will be a cold day in hell before i make pot come between me and someone else……..i guess you need your drugs more than i do….go get the real kind the one the psychiatrist give you

one big fucking mess

i am not living the life that i had wanted for myself, maybe that is why everything is one big fucking mess, and i mean everything, except for my 2 beautiful daughters, because no matter how i fucked up, and how fucked up i am i raised on my own 2 wonderful kids………….who are not some bad teen agers that i know will grow to be the beautiful women that are all ready in them……and if that is the only gift that i leave in this world then i have done the world good…..i love you allie and nicole withevery breathe i take……thank you for being my daughters, thank you god for allowing these 2 beings to come from me…….

i cannot take this dis-ease any more………..the highs the lows the depression that leaves me immobilized in fear and i can’t move and i mean that literally, i can’t move…….and now i am having a manic episode and i can’t sleep, all i ever want to either do is sleep or never sleep, or can’t sleep even with the aid of melatonin……why can’t i just feel rested…..and the fact that i am going through menopause does not help either……i want to jump out of my skin……i want the life that i wanted for me….i just wanted to be a working artist in a nice place of my own…..and i have been given that and i couldn’t hold on to it and no i was given the life that someone else thought i should have and i the jerk that i am took it and now i wonder why i am so unhappy, because i took what wasn’t mine…….i took what i was offered because i thought it would be easy and it turned out to be so much harder, because it really wasn’t real, i was not be true to myself and i allowed to get it so out of hand …….that i forget for a long time who i am and now at this mid point in my life when i realize that this is all you really get……i have to make it real….i have to make what i wanted for me become real……….i am in way happy that my house is being foreclosed on, i am in bankruptcy…….and i have to move and find another place to live…..i need another source of income , and so why i ask myself can’t it be through my art…because other then myself i am the only one that knows i am an artist……i have so desperately have seeked the approval of my family and to value me……and guess what never gonna happen…….i wish they could see what i see when i look at the world (u2),,,,,,,my mind is a mess, my entire house is a mess, my relationships or lack of are in a mess………i am so overwhelmed i don’t know where to start first…….and then i get the fuck its…….i had the fuck its……you know what it feels like i feel like i never had a home……i was never home…….i’ve had houses and i had apartments but i never had a home……oh wait i am telling a lie, i did have a home when lived on e37th street in brooklyn, it was the party house, it was decorated the way i wanted it to be and i was happy there until i got married…..i don’t lay the blame  if there is such a thing as :blame: how i hate that word in anybody elsebut me for no other reason that i am just not the type of person to be married…..or maybe what the society call married, but it was not for me…….i have known my ex for over 20 years and we still are friends…………i just can’t live with anybody….

my studio is a mess and have so much to clean out and get rid and so much i want, because some of the :things: that i have are me they are a part of me the part that no one else gets but me……..i am writing this and i am wondering what the fuck happened to me……..that fun loving, party, rebel punk, hippie bohemian, laughing , strong, creative, tenacious , can conquer everything person went, where is she , because i want my friend back,,,,,,i miss her,,,,,,

i mourn the self that i am no longer and i truly hate the person that i have become,,,,,,it’s like someone took out the front lobel part of my brain and i just exist,,,,,,,i go through the motions of everyday life, but i am not living, i die a little bit more each day,,,,,and i am not ready to die, there is so much more i want to do and see……..i want to believe again that it will all work out, because it always has worked out, why i am so afraid this time…….why am scared instead of hopful……..how did i become the person that sees the glass as half empty, instead of at least there is something in the glass…….i really need to dig deep inside of me and find that spiritual being……i had her once and it was joy……but atlas that got lost too…….how did i lose all these things, the things that were so scared and precious to me……the id i lost the id of me……..and i so greedy that i want it back,,,,,,,,i want it …….but sometimes i just don’t know what to do to get it back………

maybe i should be glad that i am going to get a new start……a fresh start,,,,,,maybe i can leave it all behind…….i can leave the baggage at the airport withall the other luggage that never gets found……..i need help but i need my help…..or the help that want…..and learn that if someone wants to give me help, but its not the help i need or want……that i even have the power of no……i can always say no thank you……..but thank you……..it’s after 2 in the morning and i still can’t sleep, i am hot as hell and it is almost winter………and my mind won’t shut the fuck up……..so god i will ask you to help me become that authicate person that i want to be………help me, with strentgh please give me back the strentghthat i know i have,,,,,,i feel so weak and helpless,,,,,,,and i want to stop thinking about what other people think of me,,,,,no i want to stop caring and just let them go on with their lives……you know i think lots about them, but i keep it to myself,,,,,,,because it really is none of my business what they do and how they feel about…….you have such bad feelings about me they stay the fuck away from me,,,,,,,,,,,pretend i don’t exist, becasueif you all feel that way about me, then i really don’t exist at all …….do i?maybe all this time i been thinking that i was the loser, maybe some of you are the really big losers, that’s why you all have to put me down……….people its time to look through the looking glass now…….thank god i have mirrors……god please help me to help myself  i am going to remember this, the prayer that i have prayed that i have forgotten,,,,,,god give me the strength, open up the doors i need to go through, give me the courage to walk through them …..guide me to the next place i need to be……give me all  mine and nothing more……give me this day, MY DAILY BREAD, and all that i want for me give to everyone else…..amen

waiting for the first storm of the season

well it looks pretty funky out there, i am off today from work……so i am going to wrap the few gifts that i manged to get for my girls…….i love to buy them stuff…..and hate it at the same time ….it is tough to buy gifts for teenagers…..you never now what their into from day to day…….after i wrap gifts if it is still drivable i am going to go thrift store shopping i’ll stay local the 2 in town……..i love to thrift for myself and others and i really love item more from the thrift store then any place you can get at the mall…….i fucking hate the mall……when my kids asked asked me what i wanted for christmas ……i am thinking to myself too bad thrift stores don’t have gift cards……i also want to take some pictures today and post to flickr…..i am so happy that i found flickr……i enjoy it more then, any other group that i have been on online……accept this one group that i belonged to that was a journal group with a lot of great writers on it ….i lost touch with them a long time ago…………i hear it starting to hail……ok now that you all know my business, i am going to wrap pressies…..MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL………IT IS CHRISTMAS, REALLY NOT A FEDERAL HOLIDAY…….

“i’m just saying”

“i’m just saying” is my new catch phase, before i speak my mind and tell you something that any of you might not want to hear………and i have a lot of stuff inside me that’s gonna come out and some people just might not like it……i’m just saying…….

at this point in my life i have no place left to go but up……cuz i could not fucking even imagine it getting any lower then this…….this is pull yourself up by the bootstraps time as my father would say………so i have been doing some thinking about my future and where i would like to be and dreams that i had and let die that now must come to life again……because i can do it if i want it…….the first thing that has to been down is to figure where i am going to go immediate next from this house…….i can put my stuff in storage that won’t be a big deal………and i need to find a cheap place to live with allie for  the next 2 years till she goes to college…….and nicole will be at college and she will always have a home to come home to, even if that home is just me……..i would like in 2 years time after allie is in college to buy a house upstate ny somewhere that is commerically zoned…….would love an old victorian and farm house…….but a house with charm and not too much of a money pit but what house isn’t……..and then i would like to open up my little shops within shops…….i would have studio space for anyone who wanted to come by and create come in ……you could journal…….talk, meet, gather, and have a little coffee shop, tea room……and that have the fun finds room where stuff is for sale……..i love how this sounds and i want it…….

the only thing keeping me in the swaps of nj is my kids finishing school……..i have to save money and stop spending why is this so hard to do……..(tips anyone)……i need to get away and live on my own……i did it for so many other years, why is it such a problem now…..you know the toxicity and where it is coming from……and you have to get away if you and i mean me……is going to have any of the life i want and i want to more to a small communitiny maybe an artist ….many in new york……want to check out bethal and hancock and i used to go to hancock when i was kid with my father…..we had a trailer up there and, that’s other stories…….and i remember going to george’s to eat……….and manny told me awhile ago that he had a place up there……and i love new york………..so that is plan and that is what i have to go for……..i always wanted to live in the county said the city girl………

and what have i been doing creativitly………what art have i made……i have not been in my studio for a long time …..it’s a mess and i’m packing stuff and getting rid of stuff and the stuff is all over and it needs to be controlled and i have not been in a controlling mood in awhile……so today i thought but i still have been creative and i have been making art i have just used different mediums …….and in REALITY THE STUDIO IS IN YOUR HEAD……….feed your head……i have been taking photos outdoor of ruins, trees, skies and the such and having such agood time doing it……today this guy freaked out on me and i had to call the cops……i went out this morning to go to a thrift store and went down this street in the boro called what else “elm street” and saw this great rusty door saw i was in my car (I”M a good shot from my car window)and i started to take snaps and this man came by in his car and started freaking out that he used to live there….meanwhile it was a commerical building….so i tried to explain(memo to self some people are just plain crazy, can’t explain) that i just wanted a picture…..blah….blah….and he said he was going to report me……and so on my way i went and a little down the block there was a pink house that was so cool………so i took a picture….who know he lived there too……then i left and he started to follow me…..i had to call the cops……coz the man difinely looked a little off……i’m crazy, i’m strange…..but i am not off……….see the fun i have……so i am making art by taking pictures…….and then i have been trying to get better shots of my collectiables ……i have been journaling if that’s what it called…..i do it…… i collect my images…..which always feeds my creative juices…….and it relaxes me too……..i have been getting doll patterns together from different doll magazines……i want to make dolls next……i want to sew a litte again i loved to sew……..so even though i am not in “my studio” i am still an artist and i am still creating and looking at different ideas and trying to find a muse……..

back to the toxic fucks in my life…….i have my shield of armor up and i am keeping it there…..it is called self perverating…….and i will…..no more…..thanks god for the plan ……..help  me to see it through……give me the strenght  to do all that i have to do to do it……

cupid’s arrow

i don’t even want to begin to tell you hw long it has been since i have had any kind of relationship with any man…..besides “the guys” at work…….and i mean work relationships……nothing else……and i know why i haven’t had any cupid’s arrow’s out……most had to do with raising my 2 daughters……..they are teenagers now…….i didn’t want anyone else telling my children what to do ……and they have a father……..so really i don’t know what i a looking for in a relationship or what kind i want or yadda, yadda, yadda…….and i am afraid to ask,………..cause when i get what i ask for i am ususally in trouble again…………and i kind of like things just to happen………..

so anyway, i am going to make intent card collages, based loosely on valentine’s day……..i don’t know yet if they will be witty, ironic, sarcastic, you know my normal comentaries on life as i see it……..this is something of a personal challenge to me as i am not one of those gushy love people…….i fucking hate cute…….cute reminds me of love……sticky ….sappy…..see why i am alone…….

games people play

one of the good things that comes with age, is that you can see right through the bullshit, to the heart of the matter……and thost young-ems don’t get it…….i am the elder at the “JOB” and believe me that’s all it is ……….is a low paying job that i overwork for…..and i work for a dr……don’t be impressed……i’m not………someone born here, but still doesn’t get that their americain……..but hey……I’M JUST SAYING…….i don’t play the game……i am the game…..and i will always do what i need to do for me……if i can’t replace or add to this job that i do then i really need to chuck it in…….PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEE……….. people get real……i got your game…….you are a spoiled little uptight frustrated girl………..and are nothing in the speck you play in my life…………and you unfit mothers out there…….really ……girls get it together and take care of your children……..don’t worry about getting laid………your sick children should come first…………………………………………….

america

yesterday i was a very proud americian…….i realized something really special about this young nation…….we have come far……farther then any other country or culture that has been around since the dawn of man………………….WE GET ALONG……..the melting pot works….we correct our wrongs and move forward……and we are the free and that is the thing that matters most FREEDOM……we see people as people, we fight for what we believe and we always extend a helping hand………..i am just so happy to see this day……i was born in the greatest country in the world….thank you god….

 

now to the other daily stupid stuff…..well i made those intent cards and i hate them……not my best work……but i still have a few more weeks till valentine’s day….so i have some other chances……i posted them on flickr.com so if you want to see them feel free…..

i went to doctor feelgood’s yesterday and the only dis-ease that i don’t have is ED…….he told me yesterday that i had border line personalitiy disorder……oh boy…..i am thrilled….what else can a person ask for……..

friday round-up

have not posted to my blog in a while…..gee, must no have been pissed at anyone……and no need to rant….

anyway, i finally have an appointment to see a doctor today….cuz i finally got some health insurance…….i have high blood pressure and need the meds for that…….and i also need to see a cardiologist……….and i need glasses……so i am going to go in for a tune up……i only hope that i don’t leave feeling worse than i do……..cuz i feel pretty good…….but the tinker needs to be checked out……gotta have a heart……

and before i go i am going to go thrifting…….i have been good i have not thrifted in weeks…….i’ve been cutting down…….but hey everyone in a while you gotta cut loose……..and treat yourself to something that makes you feel good and gives you joy……..because if not then what the fuck i am here for……..i do my best to do the right thing everyday……so days i suck at it……..but i’m still here and my kids are more normal then me……..and to be truthful they parent me in more ways then i do them……….and i should be able to enjoy life’s simple pleasures without all the guilt ………..so relax and do it……i’ll show you what i found……..i love the search……..and the hunt…of never knowing what your going to find………and when your looking for something and you find it………….oh i love those moments…….

i need to clean my studio……i have way too much stuff……..and i don’t want it to all end up in storage……..and not know what’s what……i have so much fabric……..i am going to have a fabric and art supply sale……maybe sunday…….i really like when someone is with me when go and clean out a spot…….so i have someone to talk too and help just a wee………no one has ever left unhappy with bags of goodies that they leave with……..i always compensate………so anyone in my area……..and wants me to chew they air off for a few hours and earn werid craft and art supplies you are welcome to come……….

i am going on an interview monday for yet another job……people there are jobs out there……..they just don’t pay……but i would rather have 35 hours that i know i am going to get paid for…….then working for a doctor who thinks i’m on 24 call, whenever they call, i should just job and be there……….NOT!!!!!!!!!!……..when they pay me like a doctor……i’ll act like a doctor………til then………besides right now i am the oldest person that works in the small office that i work in……..let me just say AGE COMES WITH A LOT OF KNOWLEDGE AND WISDOM…….and the ability to see right though people and read them well………and quite frankly at this point in my life….i have no time for nonsense………and other people’s bullshit and their drama’s………..this doctor thinks i should adore her and kiss her ass cuz she’s a doctor……….so that’s the job front…….it is very amusing to watch other people kiss ass…….i laugh at loud sometimes…..

the home front…….what can i say right now total chaos……there is not a room in order….that does not have boxes…….i am in a state of not knowing when the foot is going to drop and i have to leave here…….so i am living a life in limbo here……trying to get as much money together so when i have to go i have money for another place to live………and it is so hard here cuz the rents are high……and i don’t at this time have a very good income…….MEMO TO SELF SELL ART……..so my daily home life is a little unnerving…….but i will get through……all will be good…..it will all work out……and i will be where i am supposed to be and where i need to be……..i just hate this moving ….packing up……disorder of home and life…..in some ways i must be really out of my mind……cuz i think of this part of my life as an adventure and am somehow looking forward to being someplace Else………probably cuz i stopped living in this house a long time ago………and i am done here……that’s just how it is…….nothing in my life has come easy to me…….but i have got through ……cuz like i said before i am still here…..this is just another turn in the road…….and that’s that……see you all on flickr

etsy store

hi friends and family…

i just opened my etsy store come and see what you can find……more coming daily..

www.rawedgestudio.etsy.com

i have a store

i opened up an etsy store yesterday…..so come on down and buy some OOAK art work and vintage sewing supplies…..i can’t wait to learn more about fixing up my etsy shop….so if anyone has any ideas please let me know……i will be adding new items and art work all the time……i can’t wait till i make my first sale there……i would love to quit the day job or should i say looking for another job and another job……when all i am is an artist…..so come by my etsy shop.

www.rawedgestudio.etsy.com

welcome to america

hi who ever is out there that listens to me……well yesterday i lost my part time job……so i have pretty much hit rock bottom….my house is already in foreclosure, i had no choice but to fill for bankrupcy…….i am trying to find another job…..a cheap place to live…..and to stop the fear of the sheriff coming to my door……..(do they still move your stuff on the street)…..so i am hanging tight and just trying to prepare for the future, while trying to live today.

so i open up an etsy store no sales yet, i have to add more art work, but i have so much good vintage stuff to sell…….years of collecting……i do not buy stuff to resale……..i buy stuff that i like and when i move or just need room , i sell items that i no longer cherish and find good new homes for them…….so come and check out my site.   www.rawedgestudio.etsy.com

the good thing is while you can’t find a job it is time to explore new ideas and so i am going to give selling my art a serious go. i opened the etsy shop and this summer i am going to get a spot at a street fair in point pleasant……i might even get a teenager one of mine to come and help, they can go to the beach after we set up.

so does anybody out there have any ideas for me……..who about a job……..or a place to live in the coming future…….how about purchasing some of my art or vintage treasures and help me to help myself……….

i got rid of a whole big pile of magazines today…..finished sorting through the stuff i was sorting through yesterday….send out some resume’s but i have to go to different web sites and my explorer does not let me open up  a lot of links….thank you microsoft…….so does anyone know anyone in this area that needs a hard working employee……let me know….later on today i am going to go out it with 3 printers……i have to get one of them going…..

everytime i clean out something and get rid of stuff, i feel good, i just wish it didn’t hurt my back so much…..

i watched a great movie today with kevin bacon called taking chase on hbo…..it was such a well done film and i think that kevin bacon is one of the finest actors around today.

catch up

ok so today we are having a snow day…….right now i couldn’t get out of my house if i wanted to……the snow is up to the door and i don’t have a shovel……i’ll see you all in the spring ………it looks so beautiful and as soon as i get the snowed out i will go out and snap pixs………i have the required milk, bread and eggs……..that for whatever reason have become snow day food…….you have to go to the supermarket just for those items……..i am still looking for a job….i went on an interview on saturday i thought it went well, but still no call back……i updated my resume and removed a lot of the temp jobs that i had……i need to get better at cover letters…..ANY HINTS….

my teenage daughter is made at me……again but she swears she still loves me…….i do the best i can ……..they think i should do better……i guess they just don’t understand hard times……and why should they we have made this generation the generation of entitlement……and they really do think everything is coming to them……..ahahahahahahahahahaha…….as my mother used to say YOU ARE IN FOR A RUDE AWAKENING………..children, if you don’t have any yet…..i just saying that goldfish make wonderful pets……..

i have not been doing any art work……boo hoo …..i am still in the middle of cleaning out my studio……and it is really a mess and i hate when my studio is a mess…….the rest of my house could fall apart as long as my studio is in good shape i am ok…..not many people understand that………and while we are on the subject of people……let me tell you…….there are people that i am done with…….even when i felt like i extended grace to them, after i said i would stay away and not involve myself with them……stupid me goes back….becasue i have a need to be the better person…..and forgive but you know what sometimes you just can’t……so people are so hooked on drama….that you don’t speak for weeks and they still are bringing up the shit that you stopped talking to them about from weeks ago……like man, don’t you have any problems of your own that you have to be in my shit……i know my life is pretty shitty right now……but i know it will get better……and i have to find my way……and i am just so sick of hearing other people question my life…….it must be wonderful that you have noting else to do, but chip away at me…..NO MORE…….i need to change the relationship, and quite frankly the relationship is dead…….coz i can’t anymore, no i won’t anymore , i can, but i am choosing to not……i went to a psychic about a year ago and what he said i see happening…….anyway it is all ok , and all good, I AM IN GOOD HEALTH AND I AM TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE IN THESE TROUBLING TIMES……..YOU SEE AS A SINGLE MOM , I AM USED TO STRUGGLE AND CHANGE AND GOING WITH THE WIND…..but so many of my family live in glass houses…..on pedastals……..and for the first time they know what it is like to struggle and they can’t handle it………and i am an easy target…becasue i l have heard a different drummer all my life and they still don’t get it…..why am i able to get it and most people can’t see beyond there own nose……it is like a conversation i had with someone and i send to them until you walk in my shoes don’t judge me……and they wanted to know what that was supposed to mean……..and the i heard the word i can’t justify……and i lost it……but not in a bad way………i just said i can’t do this and said good bye and hung up the phone……..I WILL NEVER JUSTIFY MYSELF AND MY ACTIONS TO ANYONE, ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, ANYHOW………and these people think that there is something wrong with me………and when people tell me how i should raise my children and what my children don’t like about me or the way i keep my home………hello their teenagers……that’s their job…..it’s called being a teenager……..

the esty shop no sales yet…..i have to add more items…….but i make what i make…….and i would like to sell some altered books……but they would cost too much i think…….but i could start off small……anyway i got my rant out and no matter what life is good……….and if you people think this is hard times……..you all don’t know jack……..we are all still better off then most of the world…….you all just have to cut back and stop being so fucking greedy………just take what you need, not what you want………..and you will be a better person………..

monday update

i have not blogged in a while …..no reason why…..don’t need a reason…..anyhow….what’s the 411, while , what do you do when you have given someone the 3 strikes you out, another chance, and then extended grace, and they still stab you in the back while their looking you in the face……and i am not talking about a lover, i am talking about a person that i love dearly…… a family member……and you know this person needs help, and they refuse to see the real problem, and it not they need to get off drugs, they need to go on them……and i don’t say this lightly as i know what i am saying…..i’ve been where they are mentally, and didn’t even know what was happening until a very kind man who i have a great deal of respect for gave me the number to a very good doctor…….and the man saved my life……and no i am not cured, but i feel a lot better……it runs in families, my mother had it, her mother had it, i have it, i have a aunt that has it  although she is really fruit loops…….there is nothing wrong with your thyroid, ………it’s just a sign…..honey there is nothing to be ashamed of the ashame would be not doing something for it, when something can be done…….do you like to torture yourself everyday…..does it make you feel good, to live in pain……i know i fucking hate it…..and you be getting these pills form you GYN or doctor…….you need to go to a psychitrist (i have the speeling disease too)……and get put on the right cocktail for you……i am not 100% everyday……but i rather be some % then no % at all……..it will never be the same between me and this person again, i know…but i still want them to get real help……..the things that came out of this person’s mouth were unbeliveable to me like tell me how you really feel about me and please hold nothing back whether it wasw your business or not……and my business with other family members has nothing to do with you at all…….and when you don’t have teenagers…..don’t tell me what i do wrong and what my children don’t like……i know it’s not exactly home sweet home but my children have adjusted and have adjusted well, my KIDS ARE GOOD KIDS ARE THEY WAY TO BEING BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMEN…….AND ON THEIR WAY TO BEING BEAUTIFUL ADULTS………dispute the fact that i am their mother……..OPEN YOUR EYES TO YOUR OWN WORLD……..please stop looking at mine……really it’s not that interesting……really i  am bored to death with it……and guess what i am at the bottom and i have no where else to go at this point except up……and i can go anywhere……….so i have to get going on my life….and make the very best of it and i have dreams that i still would like to come true…..i just need a few more balls and i literally mean balls and i can do it……..i am thinking about going to a community a run down urban one you know the kind that the artists more in first and then the devolpers take over…….i know of 2 right now……or 3 coz i would love to go to new orleans and open a studio/home…that’s what i want to do anywhere i go when i leave here…..but there is a snag or 2 that i have to work around, and there still my children, who i know the legal age to let go is 18, but i always thought is give them till 21….see i an vent here……..

holy thursday

ok, i ready to speak again…….i don’t like to stay silent…..not my nature……anyway the question that i have for the day is what do chocolate bunnies have to do with christ on the cross…….i don’t get it…….can someone explain to me……

so i am still working on cleaning out my studio……..a full time job……and to the untrained eye it looks like nothing was done….but ohhh to that trained eye…….you know, right carole……

my car is being fixed…..coz this car has to last til the end of time….which so say is not that far off …….think december 21st 2012…….so live it peps…….and if we all wake up on december 22…….let the party continue………and party on …..no matter how bleek life seems i not yet ready to give up on it……no matter how much i bitch i love life……….i rather be living in a tent, then in a coffin…….but i will never be in a coffin…….as science is going to find out all wonderful things from the shell i leave behind…….hey maybe a part of me will live on in someone else……..and do give life is life’s greatest joy……..

now i just have to say this and it has nothing to do with most of you and least i should forget this……but short story……my children’s father mr passive aggressive…….who thinks i don;’t know him will….but i have seen through him for 20 years…..and he still does not get it……i like my ex, i really do…but i don’t like anyone who does not really have a clue how to raise a child…..he knows how to have them……had the nerve to tell me the other day to be a mother and make a phone call for my daughter……..and the next time i speak with him i will let him know that if he ever says shit about me being a mother again i will cut off his balls and stuff them in his mouth……i have spend the past 4 or more years…..discussing colleges with my daughter….who was excepted into every collage that she applied to.   i hav told this man about semiars that i went to, people i spoke to, colleges we went to and on and on and on……and now 3 weeks before deadlines for collages……….his lack of whatever is all of sudden my daughter and mine emergency…….FUCKING HELLO…. WHERE WERE YOU…….the least 18 years…….what the fuck were you thinking……..i have been thinking about this since my daughter was in kindergarden ……..and my daughter has worked way too hard both in and out of school……and i sometimes think smarter then either one of her parents……..I ADMIRE THE CHILD FOR STRENGTH AND BEAUTY AS A PERSON……..SHE IS ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE I NOW………

and now really good news…….i am going to see you U2 in september and i can’t wait, but i will………………..i love you u2….i could write a book about them and just what they mean to me personally ………and how on many occasions made me a better person, or look deep within, made me weep with both joy and sorrow……..and never forget the most precious gifts FAITH, GRACE AND HOPE…….THEY NEVER FAIL…..and to answer my own question of how many times to you grant the same person grace and i guess that would have to be how ever many times they need it….

so in this beautiful spring season of my life i am still asking for much……and i prayer a lot too….for guidiance, strength, direction and courage to do what needs to be done……..i want to have a happy , fun safe summer, meet new people, HAVE FUN , FUN FUN……coz there is just not enough of it……at least not for me……..to laugh is one of the greatest joys……..my children are bigger now……and in the last 13 years my children have been front and center…..i gave up a lot and i only realize now just how much……but it was all worth it coz so far i have 2 beautiful daughters…..my daughters never had “uncles”……don’t know what is like to be left with anyother person except a family member……never saw me drunk and never will……..and now i have time for me…..the real me not mommy me……..i am going back to my rock and roll roots……….and explore my art more……and meet more people to share my art with…….

ok the rambling is starting and need to go and tend to my studio as it is a mess…………

and if you believe or not JESUS did die for our sins……..so you may know that their are sins in this world…….

REMEMBERANCE DAY

first i want to say thank you to al the veterans out there…..thank you from the bottom of my heart…..thank you for maintaining the freedom and the idea of america , since the pilgrams landed………an as you all know freedom isn’t free……and a lot of america blood was spilled for you to be free today……free for me to be doing just what i want, like right now being here on web and being able to say what i am feeling and thinking……and not be put to death for opening my mouth and having a thought………so thank you……i have a big mouth….and if you don’t i think you should and “I AM JUST SAYING” that you should thank ever vet you come across……look them in the eye, shake their hand, and hold back the tears……..because it never feels to choke me up………..

now on to other things…..one big thing that has happened to me is i stopped taking a med that i was on since 2005, i run out of them, and couldn’t get the brand that i use and they wanted to give me a generic brand and i took them once and they made me sick so i never got the prescription filled, it’s been more than 2 weeks i feel better , i didn;t  have withdrawal…..i have more energy and i just feel good…….now i guess my doc would say i am being manic….coz i feel good, no i feel good coz i feel good……and i can get up and live……he is not going to be happy because whenever i have spoken to him about stopping them, he says i can’t, while i did…….why can’t i stop them…..i think i have dealt with me for a long time and i know the signals and if it ever becomes to much i will know or the people around me will know and let me know…….

other news…….i have this idea for a business that i want to start, and i have no idea how i am going to do it , but i need to do something and i am an artist and i cannot go back to that corparate, office, stuff, i just can’t………i did hair for over 15 years in my young, fun. punk, wild days, i made a lot of money and had a lot of friends, a lot of fun and traveled …….i was also more than 25 years younger…and didn’t have kids…….but age don’t matter no how……..it was the best job non job that i had…….i loved being in the salon………..and the second best place that i liked to work was in a huge fabric store, the pay sucked, and i was going back to school at the time……..but i loved touching that fabric and helping people, with tips and hints and inspiration…….and i worked with a dear friend and i liked all the other women that worked there…..the owner and his wife were both dicks nough said………then i did tech support back in the day when i still had to tell people how to turn there computers on……worked with people who run windows 1……..and i worked connecting the first internet connection that ran through cable.the money was great……then i moved to the swaps of nj and have not been able to find a decent place to work………so i decided that i am going to hit anyplace that has art in it name show up in person……talk and smooze to the owners and whoever will listen and try to set up some workshops and actually get paid to do it…….that is a short time goal….because there is a bigger goal behind it …..let’s just say….i will be networking my little ass off (that’s a lie ass ain’t little)…….but i have to make this work ……i have to earn a living and i can’t do it in a non -creative enviroment…..and i have to live and here is the good news i am happy with all that i have and all that i have been blessed with…….all i was given and all that was taken away…….but guess what I WANT MORE…..and not just things……..or the stuff you go and buy………..so this is what i have to get going……..

OK, SO I KEEP ON SAYING

oh, i keep on saying, to myself, non the less, that i am going to write a book some day, that i want to write, and like everything else i want to do i have no formal training for and i  just kind of jump in……

now writing is something of a real challenge for me, or maybe not so much me as the reader… i hardly ever use the caps key…..and only when i do i  really mean it …..proof read what’s that…..epicals……i have to look in a speller book even spell check never heard of the word.  and, boy can i write the longest run on sentences in the world……now my daughter the english genius…..tells me i don’t even know how to write a letter, this same child told me of mother jones magazine, that the stories are interesting, but the writer’s don’t know how to write……thank go they could spell…

a long time in the dinosaur age of home computers , i belonged to a group of writers ..some even had books published and are known authors…..it was a journaling group, but so much more……and here i come not knowing a thing about computers, lists, or anything and i just wrote like i write now……and people actually said good things about my writing, my points, my style …….i just have to slow down sometimes as i think too fast……so one thing i decided to do is write if you want to write and i have a blog here that i can write and i have to network my blog……show me the way…….and i wan to get another blog……..and just blog about my other art mediums…….and try not to be a starving artist any more …i have to get out there and sell myself, my services, and my knowledge, because i can’t go back to an office job……unless it is in a creative field, i am an artist and i have tried so long to hide it well not really, just i am starting at this point in my life to take it more seriously…….i have taught some art classes to children and i like doing art work with kids…….i would love to work with teenagers……and i would love to use creating art as healing tools……..i have some ideas of were to start and what to do…..i just wish i had someone to cheer me on…….

anyway i wrote for today and i have a story already planned for tomorrow and who knows if i am not doing nothing later i might tell you then……..

 

all feed back is welcome

the chipster

so about 2 weeks ago i see my cat chasing something, i think mouse….and i see it and it is a chimpmonk.and i try to get it and it slips away…..it runs behind a shelf with books , i leave the backdoor open so it can sneak out later when no one is looking……..then a couple of days ago, i see the dog sniffing near a trunk……i pay no mind……i see an napkin form dunkin dounuts and it chewed in a not cat or dog way…….i move the trunk, and their is poor chipster hundled in a lost pair of socks….i grab the tissue and pick chipster up,  chipster jumps free and is headed down the steps to the studio, luckily the steps are lined with boxes to come up, and chipster lands in a plastic bin, i quickly cover it…….and bring him out to the front yard and let him go (singing born free) the poor little thing was so scared it did not move for a while……yesterday i saw the 2 chipmonks in the backyard playing and eating. i wonder if i can get them to sing…..

i can’t stand the rain

ok, i am starting to feel like i live in the northwest, i swear if i wake up to clouds one more day,i could scream so loud that they will hear me out west.

is it me (always is) or does this weather just make you want to bw a big lump of a couch pototoe . 

i had to go back on my meds, ifeel good for a while without them and then my mind and body start telling me you need to go back on them…..i lowered one meds dose with dr feelgood’s knowledge, and i am feeling better.  i am still somewhat depressed, but this is a depression that i have never felt before……it is somewhat clinical and somewhat circumstance.

i have bi-polar, ain’t it fucking great……i couldn’t just be plain ole fucking crazy, they have a name for what i have. it really started to show in my mid 40′s……so i deal with that on a daily basis, and while i think i deal fairly well and get on with my life and do the best i can, this dis-ease can play havoc on your life.  the meds just take the edge off things, they don’t make it go away and never come back, coz it’s like a boomarang that just keeps coming back, and you never know when…….

i am in foreclosure, i don’t know when i have to leave here, i have no job right know except for staving artist, the jobs out here don’t even pay to keep a roof over your head, my ex stopped child support a while ago due to loss of job also, don’t knock him, he’s a good dad and fights his own demons daily, he loves and cares for his kids.  and i know when things get better he will help me.  we are good friends.

i have got so fat that i can’t even be called fluffy anymore, if i don’t get out of sweat clothes and pj’s soon, i need to put real clothes on, only i have no where to wear them, and it just looks ridiculous sitting on a conch all dressed up in heels, clipping pitures from magazines. 

so my life these days consisits of sorting through years of stuff, packing, storing, finding good homes for items i no longer need, trying to make a little money on etsy and ebay.  i am working on an art resume i decided that since i hate working in office’s why do i take these jobs i hate(cos i have to eat). and start looking in a different direction then i have.

i send a resume for what would have been a great place to work, only i did not have the right resume, and i need to work on a good cover letter, since most of my education and experiances come form” the university of hardknocks of brooklyn”and quite frankly there isn’t much that i think i can’t do.

ps how does one earn money from writing a blog?

write till the blood drips from your forehead

ok, so here i am today, glorianne G-L-O-R-I-A….. that’s me.  so besides being here today, what else is about me or happening in this fucked part of the world….i take that back, it’s not the world or the part of it that i am in it’s me, i am the one that is fucked.  and if i son’t get off my big fat ass and move in some direction, any other direction but the one i am in now will do…….( hey nicole how was that for a run on sentence).

i need to come out of this slump that i am in and remember that i have still have life in me and i have so many things i have yet to do and want to do them…….and hey i’m not dead yet.

i really need income, now let me count the ways that i can do this, find an art related job, anything just to get out of this house, coz it has seized being a home a long time ago……..part time, full time, sometime, anytime, i don’t care, i have 24 hours a day that i can work………pick some……..i am selling stuff on etsy and ebay,ummmm….let’s say i list stuff there and hope that someone buys it……when i am done on my rant, i mean, my writing, i will list more…….i have been trying to have a mega yard sale, only “they” don’t allow you to here……..and i want to go to collingwood but it has not stopped raining in what seems at this point years…….Rain you really need to go away for awhile…….we are wet enough for now…..bye bye……

ok so here is something that is going to shock the shit out of you…….i was having problems with my pc, i have another laptop that is not even a year old and it is fucked.  i can’t even get it to go on……thank you my nice neighbor for fixing this one for me so that i can get back online.   and so i’m back for outer space…….so now i can look for  a job , list more  stuff, and send email…….i couldn’t even get my mail for about a month……i had to hit the BIG DELETE BUTTON, i wasn’t dealing……….

my daughter needs items to go to collage with and i have to raise money to get her the things that she needs……i hope to get that other pc fixed so she can take that one with her, or maybe somehow the universe will bless her with a new laptop, she does deserve it……

CULTURE IN A 1000 WORDS

this was one of the creative writing exercises i came across, i don’t remember where but i thought i give 2 cents worth…..now that i am a creative writer too!!!!

so, the first thing i do is i look up culture in the dictionary, one does need to know what one is writing about, no!!   so i was ok on what culture meant……but what i really liked is what came after CULTURE SHOCK—-a condition of confusion and anxiety that can affect an individual  suddenly exposed to an alien culture or milieu….and for those of you who don’t know how to use a dictionary the last word means environment, surroundings……now those of you who know me ,know that i have a way like no other with the english language.  and i am reading these words saying to myself “self” how ironic is that….

here is one americian’s view on the culture……first i have to say america loss weight we are fat fucks , really no kidding, look in the mirror a turn around,  i get scared when i see my behind….so we have to make a collective consciousness to eat better and move……i never bought ito theexercisecraze, only to find out later it is not a craze, but something one must do to maintain there bodies….and while we are still on bodies women and girl’s please grab hold of yourselves if you could, stop with the skinny, skinny shit, i’ve seen died bodies piled up that had more meat on them……your not pretty coz your skinny, as a matter of fact you look quite sick and hungry, like i wanna make you sandwhich…..coz i don’t want you passing out on me…….neither one is good, so strike a balance and strike a pose.

so just like the media, the first thing i start with is looks, that is what this culture is all about , WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE……. don’t matter what it is……but if it looks like it it must be………so if your fat, your dumb, if your a women, god i still can’t believe it but where still less then…….and then there are all the other “LESS THEN’S’ OMG, when will they ever be equal….when will we all be ONE……and when will everybody start minding their own business and let everyone else just live their lives……so long as they are not mass murders, serial killers or pedophile …….then i think you should just be shot,  i am sorry but after the 2nd dead body shows up in your house…..do we really have to waste time on a trail…….1st kid someone touches won’t be their last…..there are such things as monsters, they just dress nicer these days…..

now that botox stop……..STOP IT ALREADY….. you were beautiful people who know look like a fucking bunch of freaks, your so scary looking the circus don’t even want you……are you that ugly on the inside that your turning it inside out…….we know everything about you is fake, so what’s the point……

we still live in a time were the peasants are forced to eat cake as the whole global economic is in some sort of fit…..i know it’s bad, coz i am one of the people deeply affected my the current economic problems…..but people you all have to learn have to gave up….you don’t need everything, if you got your health you got it all and if you have health insurance, who’s better than you…..i have hope, i have faith, i have a god of my choice,(last time i checked)i have family……I AM OK…..AND I WILL BE OK……people nobody else out there will do it for you…….people will teach you how to fish, but they ain’t driving you to the pond……

SO HERE IS HOW I REALLY SEE THIS CULTURE….

confused, media driven, atomic bomb crazy, consumer driven, greedy, children of entitlement, money hungry, step over the dead, a little too much self esteem, lopsided, remember there is a reason why it’s top secert, overweight, tits crazy,addicted to everything under the sun, if you don’t have rock star status you ain’t, children starving, rape, murder, injustice, unequal, war mongers,too loud, too much information, not enough creativity, wall street sucks, big brother took over a long time ago for those of you who were not watching, neglect for mother earth, hell the first earth day was in the 7’0′s we should have had it figured out by now……men will never know what it is like not to have a stiff dick, but they will never cure half the diseases because let’s face it there’s no money in the cure……only in the pills…….talk about the big time drug dealers, oh and while were on the subject FREE THE FUCKING WEED ALREADY……

i think we all need to take a rest for one week we all should stop going on the internet, stop watching tv, twittering, texting, listening to music, reading, and have a media blackout…..what do you think would happen…..would culture explode, will it be gone when we get back next week…….omg , we’re gonna miss so much…….and maybe just in that time be kinder to ourselves…….people you all have to stop beating yourselves up……..just chill for a few, sensory deprivation might be good for awhile.

so while there are so many thing about this culture that i live in that i don’t like, can’t stand, and just have no choice but to accept……you have to admitt it’s pretty fun……really never a dull moment anywhere, the world is literally at our fingertips, yet we still complain….is that what mass culture is the need to want more and more and more…….are we culture creatures……nothing is ever good enough , so we need something else…..our need to be constantly stimulated and to recieve instant happiness. ….. for it, and when it does not come fast enough or in some cases too fast……we’re still unhappy……still want……what is all this wanting……and why are we never satisified……is it a good thing or a bad……why is bad to want more, isn’t more better????

so this is my creative writing project for the day…..i am trying to write everyday….

a sign of the times

fuck you to thieves

i missed a day writing, but as they say just keep going and don’t look back….

tuesday morning i am getting ready to drive my girls to school , and i go out side and the cops are out there, someone or somebodies, just went down are street and went into everyone’s cars and stole whatever they could from them….they took my daughter’s i pod…..my neighbors gps , siruis system, money, tools, cd’s, what ever they could get their hands on.  the poor cop just went from house to house on both sides….something was taken from nearly everyone. and said this is becoming a very common thing….thank god i moved to the burbs, coz there’s nothing like being in safe brooklyn. oh in brooklyn they just came down blocks with bats and knocked out your windsheild, hey you got to drum up business somehow.

another chipmonk came in my house the other day via my cat’s mouth, but i got him and sent him free.

and now i am getting ready to do some art work.

i have items listed on ebay for sale check them out  my name there is fabrika57.

well today will be short and sweet

guaduation

someone asked me this week who i felt about my daughter guaduating high school….well firstly i have to say it makes me cry, and the tears are for some many things…..happiness, i am proud, my daughter worked hard all her life to get to where see is going and it has not been easy for this child…..when my daughter was 5 she was stricken with a disease called Henoch-Schonlein Purpura (HSP), AND STPENT 9 MONTHS In and out of stoneybrook hospital……she bowl reconstruction surgry, wore a bag for 5 months, to cut it short it was 9 months worth of nughtmare,.  my daughter had just started kindergarten……she was so brave, and i think this child taught me to be strong, and to really know what prayer is and to know that when you ask for god’s will, it might not be to your liking, and there is nothing you can do about it but prayer some more.

i remember her in her hospital bed asking me to make math problems for her to solve, this child came into this world an old sole. and she did math problems and she read to me. and if a 5 year old could be a hero, she sure was mine.  my daughter is and always has been an above average student, she won awards all through her school years, worked like a dog, i never once in her life had to tell her to do her homework…….

i remember the night she was born and the doctor held her up to me like kunta kinta, and i know i was blessed, see that picture in my mind’s eye everyday…….

before she reached junior high school she was in 6 different schools, we moved alot in those days…..and i remember one of teachers telling me that they would never have known because she was so well adjusted.

i remember when i was planning a trip to disney , and she was soooooooooo upset that she was going to miss school……she hates to miss school……..in high school she did everything, and except for the prevalant atitude of most teenagers she has not given me a day of trouble, she has worked for the past 2 years, this year’s prom she paid for everything herself, and was accepted into every collage she applied too…..

so how do i feel, i happy, i am sad, i am truly amazed that i, me have such a wonderful child, but then again i raised my daughters to be independent thinkers and to take no shit from anyone. and to remember that they are women and to be strong and that there is nothing you can’t do………..

and in some ways i so afraid for this child, because as smart as she is, she can’t boil water……and  hope that going away will give her those other life skills, the kind they don’t teach in school, the things that you can only learn at the university of hardknocks.

another thing that i have always told my children is that i am home, that matter where i am, or how i am, i am there home and they can always come home to me and no matter where i am they have a home with me…..

it so scary how fast they grow, i have heard people say that to me all their lives, but man until it happens to you, you have no idea, a snap of finger and there more grown up then you are.

i miss her already, and i really don’t want her to go and i wish she choose to go to school and live at home, but it was her choice, .

thank you god for blessing me with 2 beautiful children, and when i think of what i would have done differently in my life, it always comes back to nothing, absolutely nothing, because if my life were different, i wouldn’t have the 2 beautiful children that i have.

meeting men online

first i have to say that this is something that i don’t do often, i have meet in person 2 people that i have communicated with one was a real long time ago and he was nice a guy, but he was having girlfriend problems, and i didn’t want to get involved, and the other i meet once and thought were we married for life and i still get laughs out of the emails he sent me, i swear the guy meet me once for about 20 minutes and he sent me emails like i was married to him for 20 years and we were getting divorced. i swear the guy was a real whackaloon……

so i recently a whirl again, let me first start off my saying that i have meet someone nice and we are having a email relationship, because i found someone nice and is a gentleman and has some class, and is a real, person, that is looking for a friend and i hope to continue to be friends with for a long time , and truly want to get to know them better…

now let me tell you about some of the other men out there, first of all it even pains me to call you men, because you are nothing but a bunch of pigs, and the pigs have taken enough of a bad rap this year, they don’t need more added to it…..

the reason that you idiots are alone is not that you can’t find anybody, it is because you are a bunch of idiots,

please stop responding and asking me questions like ” how big are your tits” right there buddy i got to tell ya i am just dying to me you, or maybe i should have sunk down to your level and ask you how big is your dick”

don’t tell me what you want to do with in bed, don;t ask to lick my toes, don’t me that your wife doesn’t understand, send me emails and speak to me in a derogatory way…….and then don’t send me  another email asking why i didn’t respond to you…..ummmmmmmmm, let me think, coz maybe, just maybe , your a fucking jerk…..beause if these were your opening lines, man oh man i am pins and needles just to hear what you have to say next.

you know you are out there all alone because you have no respect for woman, or for yourselves for that matter…….even though it is the internet and it’s just words, the words speak volumes of who you are…….one of my all time faves is looks don’t matter,can you send a picture…….

if all i wanted to do is get laid, i’d tell you, i don’t have to go online to do that, anyone can have sex,and if that’s all want at last have the decency to be up front about. it’s ok that you wanna get laid, i don’t fault you for that, but please cut out the bullshit, i know it is all bullshit.

and when i read some of the ads i like the men that are looking for 18 yr olds, why because their young and naive and haven’t figured out yet that your a jerk and the only “women” you can relate to is 18, because that’s about all the mental growth you have……yes, i would really like to go out on a friday night with a total stranger and get as drunk as i can be.  gee, that’s about as appealing to me as a heart attack.

so i really should be thanking you, because i find your emails so amusing and i like a good laugh. 

and then i have to say i asked god to send me an angel and he did, and if nothing else he makes me believe that there are still decent man out there, that actually like and have respect for woman……..and baby that alone is more than have…….

the king of pop

it’s just like that jackson family to go and steal the headlines again, just as the whole rest of the world has gone crazy, just if you are reading this, let me just fill you in on the minor news and then i will get back to micheal……people in iran are being killed for speaking there minds, the crazy little fucker in the east wants to launch some short time missle, and only 20o people were killed in bombings in iraq this week, oh least i should forget that little border squish were have on over in afganastan……but now back to the real news…….

people really now, who much longer did you think this “man” was going to last.  he “was the king of  pop”. but it surely must be a long loney life when your family starts pimping you off at 5, and at 5 you are the family breadwinner…..just a tad bit of pressure on a 5year old , don’t ya think…..i think he had tremedous talent……..and lost it do to the insantiy of too much money and working since you were 5….that’s were most people troubles begin before the age of 5……and let’s face joe was the not the poster boy of a father…..but let’s face it micheal lived the american dream coz only in america can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white women…..

i saw micheal perform once at the meadowlands and i have to say it was one of the best shows i saw, micheal could entertain and has entertained us for years……through the good and the bad……i neither liked or disliked the guy…..quite franky i could care less about him, omg it’s not like he was god or something …..wake up  peps ….he turned out to be a pediofile, why the fuck to you think he has no more money…….and shame on your your parents who allowed your children to go over to his house for a sleepover…….you are even bigger pimps and the fucking worst parents…..or if you are that fucking stupid it is ashame that god let you be parents in the first place…to do that to your children…….

his death is not a national tragedy, he died, we all die…….he probably fucking killed himself slowly……………or the people around hime did…..still not a national tragedy.

school yard justice

this is the sentence that bernie madoff should get today……find a good old america wired school yard.   place bernie in it, have all the people that he fucked over get to go in the school yard one at a time for a good ten minutes each…….the man is a scumbag, he always was and he always will be, don’ feel bad for the man coz he’s old……..he was a scumbag from the time he was 5,……..

what are we gonna do now

she's a rainbow

ok, i just have to say what i have to say, i am i a too happy place, right now, to allow anyone fuck with me and rent space in my head for free…….that includes ex -husbands, children, relatives, and friends…….i am not going to be miserable, and i am going to have to go strong……as my dad used to say “pull up the hipboots”……….the only really fucked thing in my life right now is that i don’t have a “job” …..i have a career “straving artist”…..i can’t even get an idiot job…….and if i can’t find a place to earn money soon……i might have to utter the words i thought i would never say “you want fries with that”………..

i have to remember that i never was a quitter, and as my niece says i can get blood from a rock…….

I’M JUST SAYING  i can’t help it if i tell it like it is, i can’t help being honest in my feelings, good or bad……i want to have fun, good fun, laugh, and laugh some more……i want to have sex….great sex, with the right person, and go, i love sex, what can i say……and i want to see whatever i have not seen before through my childlike eyes that i will never gave up……..it ain’t no sin to be glad your alive……..i have no more more time for nonsense and games…….we all have baggage, i just don’t want to hear about your valises full…….shit i have storage…..ok….all that shit is in the past, and guess what you still can only make now happen….i want joy in my life, as much as i can stand……coz sooner or later, life will happen and throw me a curve and i have to deal and guess what, i want to deal, do what has to be done and move on……this sounds like a pretty good ad no……..

SHIRELY HERE WE COME

john ring our phones one more time and i will ring your neck…..we’ll be there , when we get there……we have lives here too……we said we we leave at 10….now i know where the confusion comes from, coz when you say 10, that can mean anything…….10 is 10 to us…….and if were running late as you always do, then guess what buddy, you’ll just have to wait on us………what goes around……like a merry go round, playing band music in the background………

little firecracker

let me write and let it go

LET IT GO…….. SURRENDER…….if i only i could remember that at all times………first i have to say if i don’t get a job soon, i will have to scream……i got a letter from unemployment, telling me they will send me back to school, and i am seriously thinking of going back and getting my “beauty license” i let my ny one expire…….dumb….that should be the only dumb thing i have sone…..i made a lot of money doing hair back in the day…..and i liked it, i was good at it and i just need to get a refresher…..and then i don’t have to go to an office, and i will be doing something creative, and i still can create my own art and maybe in have an audience to buy some….win win……

so the past few weeks i have been giving my try at online dating………if nothing else it is entertaining……i even joined match.com  what a hoot!!!!!!!!   i,m winking at men and they wink back……..i like having online chats, it is fun to get to know someone by chatting….and saying what you feel at the moment……..sometimes it is better to just leave some as online friends….sometimes you can really like someone and then meet them, and then never hear from from them again……….that’s the part i don’t like ……and i hate that people can’t be upfront about it…….just say what you want or don’t….it’s all ok……what’s no ok is not being man enough or have the balls enough to say…….i guess i have to let it go……i will be the one…….i will take the hit for the woman this time…..it’s all my fault…….blame me…..i am always wrong……i am always doing the wrong thing……..that’s the insanity of me……what else can i say……..i am human……and have real basic human needs……..is it wrong to want more of a good thing……..doesn’t everyone want to be held and loved and touched and caressed, and cared about, and have someone to care about……….and i don’t even know what i am searching for…..which is a good thing in and of itself, as what i need will find me……..i have learned the difference between want and need…….i just find it hard to stop wanting, what i can’t have………and i have to learn to take what is needed……..i always say be careful of what you prayer for…….coz, when you get it……..it can sometimes led to more pain and heartache then it was worth……and i am not just talking about people……it’s the things in life that fuck you up……….i speak my mind, i say what i have to say, i apologize when i have too…..i say i’sorry only when i am and i try not to be sorry to often……i try to be the best person that i can be…..some days i suck…..i am in a hard spot right now, and i am not looking for someone to save me, i can and i am saving myself…….i was thrown some stuff and i am dealing and doing the best i can…..i have not given up…..i still want life, i still want to make it better……..i once again have to change careers, find a job, and move…….so what else is new……and i working on it…..but i would like someone to take some of the punches , just for a while……i could use the break……..seriously………what i worked for and held together for the past 12 years is slowly crumbling…….and i can’t and i won’t let it happen……you know why……i like living too much……….i live to live , not die……….and why do i have to act my age, what age am i anyway, i don’t even know what age group i belong to any more……..and yes i am more than a few pounds overweight, i know, you don’t have to tell me……i have real mirrors in my house……get over it…….if i lived in past times, i’d have men all over me ,when you had a few pounds on you meant you were wealthy, you could afford food……..times sure have changed……….and you know what i enjoyed all the ice cream i ate……….so as soon as i can wake people up….i will get out of this house today……go take some sun………walk…….breathe and enjoy the day………..

love by the moon

more online”dating”

ok, so i guess i do things for the sheer enjoyment of it, or at lest for the entertainment value…….it’s fun to have to sort out after the kooks and crack pots…….i got 2 offers for jobs working for a “company” in africa, the guy wanted me to fedex him money……where would you like me to send the check……then he had a friend, probaly his cell mate….email me……and when i told him only fools send money to people that they don’t know and nobody was getting a fucking dime from me……the conversation ended….not too soon may i add……

then i get the idiot thats looking for true love, and wants to know if i believe in true love……yes i do, i have children, a mother and father brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews, yes honey, i know what TRUE LOVE IS……and just for the record, i in all my powers know when true love hits me after 3 IM’s….i’ll know…..just by stroking the keyboard…….(hey if nothing else i could get a book at of this)

and i like young er guys, can’t help it……..you men that are all at there that are so picky about what women look like..get over yourselves…..you all have to be fucking kidding me, really, the men that are in my “age group” look old enough to be my father and he’s dead……and you are all still whining……stop…..i can’t take the whines……why are you people not happy no matter what…..on while we are on happiness, it’s a choice, you chose, if your a happy person, your a happy person, if your a miserable bastard, there is no amount of fairy dust to change that, unless you decide to……YOU AND YOU ALONE are responsible for your own happiness……..and if you have found nothing yet in this life that either gives or brings your happiness…….good luck…………..i’m happy watching the sunset…….

and i am not looking to get married, i hate the whole idea…..really who came up with it…..i was married once, and it was enough……but then my lack of not wanting to be married comes more from me being an artist and needing lots of alone time………and quite frankly i don’t want to live with someone all the time…….i am not a cheat or a runaround, when i with a man i am with him……but he does not need to be around me all the time……you should have stuff in your own life…….

how much money, what kind of job you have, what kind of car, all that stuff so not important to me…….i want to know who you are and what would you do if you were stripped naked and everything you ever had was taken away from you………WHO WOULD YOU BE AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO………that’s the person i want to meet…….

and if you are not just a little crazy, don’t bother, if you don’t go through life laughing through the trails and tribulations of it all,,,,,,and moving on and getting on, instead of doing nothing……..and have fun, and lighten up…please……..i want to enjoy my life and just have fun……even if i am doing nothing……i have glee in my heart……and that is true love…….BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME…….

RED, RED WINE

nothing like it …..it is the gift of the gods….do you ever feel that you are just at that point where you are going to snap and wish you worked for the post office so you would, at least have an excuse…….i don’t know who many more things i am supposed to do, and for how many more ungratful fucking people, who just want to suck the life blood from me…..and just don’t give a shit about anything else but themselves and what they are not getting……..i am not the reason for all your problems, i did the best i could, you don’t fucking like it go out and do better, you  go out in the world ,my princess and then i want you to come home and tell  mama all about it……coz , let me tell you something little ones, it’s a fucking cold world out there, and you better have tough skin……my father told me this a long time ago and i am telling you now, the world owns you no favor, you are entitled to nothing, nothing at all………you have nothing coming to you………this is life 101, welcome to the hard knocks……..i know life is no bed of roses, trust me i have been sleeping with the thorns in my side for far too long……..AND GUESS WHAT PEOPLE I AM TIRED OF COMPROMISING MY SELF….. fuck you all who don’t like anything i do……..if you were paying my bills, an sending my daughter to college, but since, no one does either, here’s 2 words fuck you……..and if i am a crazy artist, so fucking what, what are you……….and you know what god, i have been throught worse, even though it seems pretty dark and bleak right now, but i have not given up, i have not stopped the fight, i will go on , i will suceed, i will have in fun this life, and i will learn to stop worring about the money all the time……..remember girl you were never about the money, you are about the rainbow and the pot of gold at the end of it, and you have recieved that pot of gold many times, and as long as you believe in abundance for all, you will never be or do without…….i will rise like the phoneix…….it will all be ok , all in it’s do time. god i have asked your for miracles and you have given them to me, because i believe, you know how deep, i don’thave to to tell you , you know………i am asking for right direction, right people and the right path for me……..allow me to see the cracks when they appear………

terrorist being sent free

first, i just have to say are you fucking kidding me…..it’s a joke right……maybe my heart is not in the right place, but then again neither was mr fucking terrorists when they blew innocent people out of the sky……because their fucking nuts…….i don’t even feel bad that you are dying of cancer, i have seen to many good people suffer that disease…….only you should be suffering it with it in jail where you belong…….scotland man what’s up with you…….where is your braveheart……..to fight for freedom……and justice…..the man is a criminal……we haven’t let sirhan sirhan out of prison, and their are more people out on the streets that killed more people that he ever will, he killed a presidential candidate, so we keep those loonies locked up…….and hey while your letting kooks run free…i say you let the whole manson tribe go free, it is their 4oth anniversity…….back too, mr scotland yard, what the fuck where you thinking……he is a terrorist……3 months is a long time to start trouble, and what if the doctors are really not god and don’t know when he is going to expire, and he lives a long time by some crazy miracle………i don’t like this one little bit…..no…no….no……

the grass is never greener

when you are growing up, you hear all these little sayings that people say all the time…..and you always say to yourself , or maybe even out loud, how stupid, how dumb, stop saying that……….and i learned the true meaning of the grass is never greener, some many times, i can scream, and this morning i really did when  i learned that little annaleigh left this world this morning   http://www.threecheersforbabies.blogspot.com/  what could be worst in this world then to have a precious baby die in your arms……life when you are trying to show me , why do you have to be sooooooooooo harsh on other people……..join me in sending healing love to annaleigh’s family, and god please send annaleigh’s soul back quick……ok

welcome october

oh the places you can go……………it has been a most interesting time……………the summer is over, and the fall is about to begin…..i love the fall the crispness in the air…………..the colors, the sun blazing…………..ahh just the beauty of it…………………..makes me smile…………

so i did accomplish a few things that i set out to do this summer, and like always another piece of my heart got chipped away, thank you god for givingme such a big heart, that no matter how many pieces break away, i always still have another piece to give away…………………..

there is a line in the song iris that goes something like “and you bleed just to know your alive”…….WOW………sometimes i think if i didn’t hurt, i would not feel a thing…………

why oh why, do i always find the badboys……the one that just got out of jail and lives with mommy, the man the is married to his job, the man that is just married,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,when does someone make me a cup of tea,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,what is it with me and men……………i stayed away from you all for so long for just these reasons, that i can pick them…………….and the truth is you are all nice guys really, you all just have issues……………..and iif i can somehow resolve the unfinshed business that i have with my mother, maybe, just, ,maybe, i could meet a man like my father, instead of always finding my mother…………….but the truth is a good boy could never hold my interest…………………so what to do…………i am tired of being alone………….

go to www.rawedgestudio.blogspot.com